Desperation behind the stone wall...

I made this blog mainly because I wouldn't want to expose my true feelings to the world. I never liked feeling anything but content or happy when I'm in the public, because I hate the attention. That fake sympathetic feeling that others give you that make them think it helps, when really it doesn't. I've been doing this since middle school, and I find it working okay with me, nobody hassling you about whats wrong, no hostile feelings. I guess because I've been like this for awhile, it has desensitized me. Regardless of how i'm feeling, I've learned to put a mask on...Smile or resort to humor to mask and divert myself from showing my true emotion. Thus the reason why I blog, to vent out my emotions and feelings.

It's weird though, because I've adjusted into this kind of style... I have built a large amount of pride. As much as I'm hurt, or in need of some emotional support, I'll never show my vulnerable side. I've even gone so far as to keep my own family out of my personal and emotional life.

Its pretty funny though, I'm pretty much immune from being emotional when I should be, which is pretty bad.

Today, I was told that even though I've got this well built mask to cover my depression, my eyes turn red when I say all of this emotional stuff. I guess this is the only way to tell if I've got something bothering me, or need help emotionally.

I don't really cry during depressing moments, but because I don't cry I ultimately feel like shit because of how depressed I am. Bottle'd up emotions are no bueno. There has been one instance where I actually cried during a movie, and I think it's because I could relate to the main character, and can see his struggles and situation through personal experiences. The movie was called Densha otoko (Train man), A Japanese movie about an anime otoku(super nerd) who wants to change his life and find love. He asks for help on an internet chatroom where they give him advice to change his life. A modern day beauty and the beast story.

I was once in his shoes, and throughout the movie you can still see him struggle even though he's got all the advice from others. It really shows that even though you've got all this help, it's still on you to "level" yourself up and step up to the plate. Needless to say, it really touched my heart to see what I've gone through myself. This was about 4 years ago, and I havn't shed A tear since.

I had just watched My sassy girl, a Korean drama/comedy that has really touched my heart. In A way, I can relate to the main characters because I'm sort of going through the same situation. I cried my eyes out during this movie. I couldn't help but to relate and put myself in his shoes. The way some Korean movies go, they really emphasize on the problems, with minor climax and resolves, with a either depressing terrible ending, or a super happy love story type ending. Even though this movie had a good ending, the climb it took to get to the ending really killed me. Will I be like this? How will I be able to cope with this, he must be really strong to have endured it.

I couldn't believe that I cried, this would be the first time I've actually cried in 4 years. The last last time I had cried was in elementary school when I was 8.

My eyes are red now, either because I'm madly depressed at this outcome that I've been building myself onto for these past few months...Or because it is now 6:38am. Either or, I'm in a pretty shitty mood right now, and I can only hope for a good Friday.