As the mind grows, I find myself in the same hole I've always been in.

Hah, so where should I start? With everything going on, I can't help but to fall back into the same hole I've always tried climbing out of. Well, or so I thought?

Monday, June 20th.

I decided that this should be a day where I cut myself off of all means of communication. No facebook, no internet, and most importantly no phone. Just A day for Me, myself, and I. No friends, Nobody to turn to and vent. Just the open road, music, my trusty old car, and the sun.

I drove out to Monteray, only 'cause I've never been there before. All it took was a CD with 13 tracks of trance, and my pack of cigarettes. The ride was really nice, just cruising down south with some loud beats to get my mind off of life.

Well, the term "Life" sounds pretty vague, but to be specific, "life" in loose terms translates to the bay area. The escape alone felt amazing, I had actually spent time thinking over some things about myself. Things like work, friends, situations I always find myself in, and mainly, miscellaneous things that gets my mind all wound up in knots. I mean, I'm pretty much known for going in over my head, and for once when I'd like to think that I'm being smart for a change, I seem to have fallen back into the same pit. The only difference is, the exit is closer then expected. It's not the usual distance where its not reachable, where the hole that I've dug myself is so deep that I can't see the light of day. No, not this time... I'm in arms length, and with enough effort I can get out of this hole. However, for some reason I think I like to be in these "Pits." Naturally I'm a curious person, and for some reason there is something that binds me to stay in these holes that I often find myself in. I'm pretty sure that this is not healthy for my state of mind, but I'm naturally a curious person, and honestly I'd rather wait and see where things take me versus getting myself out of these situations early to avoid what I think the outcome may be.

If its one thing I've learned, its that even if your 100% confident of the outcome, there is that off chance that things will not go the way you thought it would be. Through previous points in my life I thought that I would be okay. That I could wake up in the morning feeling as if nothing has happened, nothing has changed and that everyday would be better then before... But there are so many days that this could happen, and sooner or later you'll find yourself in A world of hurt.

I've always endured these moments. There has been many high points in my life, where I honestly thought I couldn't be happier then I was, but there were also moments where I had reached an all time low. A low so far down, I felt as if I was dead to everybody, I didn't even exist in this world, and nobody gave any care in the world to help pick me back up to my feet. It was because of these moments I was able to learn and shape myself to who I've become now. Through blogging, finding great friends and company, they were able to help me pick myself off the ground, and get me back into this cycle in this so called life.

Even if this road has bumps and missing pavement, I will continue walking down this road.I mean, sure I can't really see the end but that doesn't really matter for me. I'm looking for the toughest road to help build who I am now. That way I know that I wasn't A wimp in my life, that I fought for what I believed in, and fought for where I am at now.

All in all though, its been a great week. Especially with that day to myself, I was able to keep myself optimistic. I'll admit that I've been finding myself in a very pessimistic mood lately, but I was able to change things before it got out of hand.

You know what they say, keep making faces and your face will be stuck that way... So why not smile all the time? Smile>grumpy negative face, because even when you look happy, it sets the mood for everybody else's day. All it takes is one smile, but one sad face makes you a Debbie downer! >:(

June 20th... What the hell?

It's already June 20th, and the 4th of July is around the corner. How did time pass by this quickly? I guess I'm enjoying the hookah lounge so much that I don't even realize how much time I've spent.

Although... not everything has been all fine and dandy for the past 6 months. I've hit enough rough patches thus far to make a hole in my wall, but its nothing too big to stress over about. Well for now that is, but you know what? When things get shaky, all you've got to do is to look at the brighter side of things. Just always know that you've given it your all, and there shouldn't be remorse for your actions. Don't think of it as failure, but think of it as another chance to try harder.

Heh, Someone once a few years back that I'm pessimistic. I honestly thought for the worst whenever things would happen. It was then that I realized, "You know what, I need to change myself if I want to go anywhere. All I see in the mirror is a mess. A guy that's scared to initiate conversation with anybody, a nobody that disassociates himself because he thinks too lowly of himself. This shouldn't be me, I should be something better." I guess it was then when I changed my attitude. I learned to look at things with an optimistic point of view, to start off my "Operation:SC (Self-confidence)" Shortly afterwards I started to see my life slowly change, from being all alone and negative, to somewhere in the positive zone. Where I would think that people would instantly judge me, I can now just walk up to them and give them something to judge. I'm obviously nowhere complete with this little operation of mine, but what I can say is that I'm making progress, and though there's still much more I would like, the rest will take time, and the right timing. It has been a rough start for me, but baby, things are just getting started!

Today, Monday June 20th. I'm going M.I.A for a day, meaning No phone, No internet, No Scott.

All I've got is the road, and whatever the price of gas is right now :[

I'm mainly taking this day to recollect my thoughts, my views, and also to think about some of the things I've done wrong this past year. I'll get some alone time to find my inner self, and hopefully shed off some of this bad mojo that's gotten me into some deep shit. Shit so deep, Its got me pretty stressed these past few weeks.

Wish me luck internet, I'll see you on Tuesday!

A deeper meaning.

Dreams can be so weird. Usually they hold some sort of message, like watch out for the giant crab, or a talking dog with the voice of one of your relatives or friends exist somewhere in the world, but this recent one held a meaning. More so based on previous events, but mainly it was trying to show a representation of my personality with my past.
So here's me trying to describe what it was about.

This started out at a hotel, very fancy Marriott like with a huge lobby, a pool and spa, and a lounging area. I was with some friends; Jeff, Coop and Pat. I had seen all of my past exs, and even girls I had talked to/had a thing for. Weird part was, the way I treated every one of them was kind of the way we left things at. Jackie was there, said hey and kept things mutual, besides the fact that she would disagree with everything I said, which is kind of how I see things with her now. We haven't talked since then, but when we would it was very, how can I say... Passive aggressive. It's kind of like how things ended, unspent rage that just settled within her. Afterwards, while at the lounging area, I had run into Aimee, real buddy buddy like and overall a very chill time. When she was leaving, I refused but she had to go. That realisticly represents how things are now, how we are on a good level and all, but the feelings i had for her will never be on a mutual level. The whole leaving thing really spoke out on that, but in my dream I couldn't do much about it. Kinda like how I got over the fact and moved on. I then ran onto thy, very unexpectedly. She popped around a corner and pelted me with a water balloon, which left me in a very "what the fuck" mood. She proceeded to give me a hug, and a greet, but at the time I was furious. I left her without saying hello or good bye. Now this really confused me, because I thought things went well with her. If this were a real situation, the moment I would have seen her, I'd do my usual "Hello :) How're you" but at the moment of the immature act I would not stand for it.

Well, now that I think of it...It makes sense. Everything ended with her because of the lack of maturity that I seek. Everything in the relationship was getting to a good level, but would lead back to these childish fights. Small arguments over the smallest things that should had never happen.

Heh the more I think of this it seems the more its trying to tell me.

So after I stormed off, I had a very mugging face and looked back at Thy. She had this face as if she wanted to say something more, but was hurried away by her friends out of the room. She still kind of avoids me to this day. It seems she is intimidated to say anything, or maybe I think so, but anyone being in the same situation... Who doesn't? As I was walking somewhere, I can't remember where, I had seen this unbelievable cute girl at the receptionist desk. I just had to approach her and talk to her. As the conversation was going smoothly, I had learned that her name was Teekay, she was here for vacation with family but she was staying at another hotel or something like that. She had stopped into the lobby to ask a question about something (although my dream is still fresh, Its very rare that I can capture these things, if I'm able to capture a dream at all that is.) At some point while we were talking, she would check her phone, type something, then put her phone back, and about the fourth time she said she had to leave. I asked her to stay but she refused in a very upbeat fashion. I did however get her number, so as she left she had told me to call her later. I don't remember much afterwards, the rest just seems like a slide show, with audio. One slide was of her walking away, with her back towards me I had an arm out like I was reaching for something. I believe I was asking her what hotel she was staying at, but she ignored me as she walked out the lobby doors. The next few slides were of coop, pat and Jeff congratulating me for what I had done, but it did not satisfy me.

Now for the lengthy part, as I analyze this for the first time and compare this to recent events. I did recently meet Teekay, and I had done the whole approach already, although it took me several attempts because of my shy nature. After awhile, I was in fact able to establish a friendship. In my dream, everything felt perfect until the moment she had to leave, and referring previously to the "leaving" message of the dream, it is very hard for me to handle simply because I had something that couldn't be met halfway. Everything felt like it was going downhill, and even through a crisis like this, I tried to keep things uppity and happy. I don't know why I do things like this, maybe I feel that it helps me out at the end, to make me not feel so bad about myself... I guess that's the optimistic side of me right? The whole outreaching thing at the end also is something that'd happened to me before, but like I said before, its like this "leaving" process. In life, its pretty hard to let someone go, regardless if they like you or not, mainly because of the feelings you have already developed for the other person. I've let this happen a few times already, but with what I've been though in the past year, I've learned to let things go, as hard as it may be.

So that's pretty much it, through this dream I've been able to see how cheerful I can be when I'm actually pretty damaged. My mood can also just change like that from friendly to hated, based from how I see maturity.

Its weird though,my dream accurately describes me (for it should right? but again its a dream, I could of had super powers or something.) It showed me that I'm a very happy go lucky type of guy, I'm able to mask my emotions with a smile so easily, but when I'm alone or with friends, I just let loose and let everything out, or I just bottle emotions in.

Hmm, pretty insightful. Maybe I should change some things up about myself, how I should be approaching some things. I mean, yeah happy go lucky Scott keeps things flowing, but I gotta show a more cautious side. That or spill my heart and let it bleed more then I have been in this blog, that way I don't have these weird dreams about my love life. Hahaha

Whelp. :l

At least you can't say I didn't try.

What happens while the dice rolls, happens until they land...

They say the odds of rolling a 7 or 11 is 8:36. I could only hope not to strike out.

Lets see where this roll takes me huh?