Part time Alcoholic, full time lost cause.

At first, drinking would be a social tool for me. I learned that with alcohol, I was able to express myself freely... No restrictions to hold any emotions back, no worries on my mind. Just carefree Scott, with nothing holding me back.

Haha, that's what alcohol does for me, only until I begin to lose sight of things. I'm sure that I use alcohol as a way to escape. I mean, that's what alcoholics do right? Nobody wants to live in this harsh reality called life. Shit, I'm sure I could have found another form of escapism. Movies, music, video games, poetry, reading, anything besides alcohol. It's fine though, I'm not relying on it to constantly escape reality...Hell I actually like putting myself through all this distress. As much as it hurts, in that very moment where I've completely fall for a girl is what I thrive on. One of those makes up for the years of depression that I put myself through.

Sad isn't it? It's been a repeat cycle for awhile now, since '08 I believe. I'm a sucker for this kind of shit though, and no matter what happens... I won't stop chasing it until I have it again.

Is it weird that I don't fear death? The other day at a kickback, I wasn't myself. Focused on the movie they put on, I only knew about two people that were there. My ex's sister walks into the room with her boyfriend, and I could feel the tension in the room. As I look around to see some reactions, I feel paranoid. Heart racing, I could just imagine them putting me down. Punching me and slamming my head into the cold pavement. Slowly my vision blurring, the motion of my head being beaten in. I slowly saw myself floating over my bloody unconscious body, left for dead in the middle of the parking lot. I slowly snapped back from my wild imagination back to the movie. Did a quick head check and resumed the kickback. It was all one of those "shrug" moments for me. It could have been real, I could have been killed and that would of been the end of my story, but it wasn't. I'm back into reality and I'm here.

Weird shit. I must be going through one of those days months, It'll get better, as it always does for the moment. It's really on me to try and keep my moral high as the days go by.