And like that, I can easily say I've had the best time of my life.

Nocturnal was amazing, I met a ton of new people and danced my ass off (Which is rare.)
Although I ran into a few bumps Friday, my newly made friends gave me "assistance." Needless to say, I will cherish this moment all of my life.
I've always wanted to go to raves, but was always scared. Aids pricking, drug overdose, etc.
Its funny how easily you can disregard things when you start caring less about things, but because of it, I have a new insight on life. Rather then feeling so down all the time, just be happy. Happiness is key, regardless of the situation. Tough luck; that's life. Move on with it and give yourself something else to feel happy about.

It is now Sunday, 4:56am. Nocturnal has come and gone, but will forever be in my heart. This has opened up my eyes, and I can now see clearly. Disregard all thoughts and assumptions that you and others have against yourself, life is more easygoing that way.

Can't wait for the next one :)

Escape me. This is going to be life changing...

The last few weeks have been life changing for me. I've gain a totally different outlook on life and my god, its been amazing.

In about 4 hours, I'll be taking a road trip down to San Bernadino where I will be taking part in Nocturnal Wonderland, a massive two-day rave. This will be the life changing experience that I have been waiting for.

Seven hours alone with my hookah, music, and myself.

I'll keep updated tonight after the event. 

Talk about a breath of fresh air huh?

Blast from the past, which was apparently 2 years ago...

"Does she know that I'm thinking of her all the time"

• Aug. 10th, 2009 at 1:35 AM

"it's not the fear of the stream that I can't cross
its the thought of what I would say
beause my main problem is I can't (is I can't) is I can't make conversation"

This pretty much explains it. The hardest part is to connect with someone, and when its possible... Can I put it in my own words to get that mutual feeling? I don't think its ever possible, and 90% of the time I find myself walking into the darkness, either hoping for a light to shine my way, or I stumble and fall. I guess I need to endure this darkness until I'm guided, because I'm not ready to fall yet. Not now.

Anyway, highlights from the last update.

Timmy is crashing here for the week, Its refreshing to have somebody new to hang around.

More hours, I can't stress enough about how much I Love the new store, friendly customers and a warm welcoming.

Classes starting soon, It'll be refreshing how this year will go.

New phone! Blackberry bold! aand so far, I'M LOVING IT! I haven't even used the blackberry to it's full potential and yet i'm still in love with this!

Thanks again for everybody who attended the BBQ yesterday, it really was a highlight of the summer. Nothing like a good BBQ with the indoor pool and hookah to set things off, and karaoke to boot!

New friends, and new experiences. This helps me evolve and learn about myself. Fads are fads, but the ones important enough will leave impressions either helping you learn from them or shaping yourself.

So pretty much, Life's good. 'Nuff said.

Now if only I could get my relationship skills up to par with my personality. Then life will be easy again.

Hi I'm Scott, and its a pleasure to meet you :D

Its quite funny, 2 years ago I found myself in such situations where I could only live life and see where life would take me.

..Things have not changed much, but i'm content with my life.

Lets just say that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and as much as it hurts to walk on glass, I've built up enough tolerance to endure the very steps I take.

Bring it on life...I'm ready for you.

Part time Alcoholic, full time lost cause.

At first, drinking would be a social tool for me. I learned that with alcohol, I was able to express myself freely... No restrictions to hold any emotions back, no worries on my mind. Just carefree Scott, with nothing holding me back.

Haha, that's what alcohol does for me, only until I begin to lose sight of things. I'm sure that I use alcohol as a way to escape. I mean, that's what alcoholics do right? Nobody wants to live in this harsh reality called life. Shit, I'm sure I could have found another form of escapism. Movies, music, video games, poetry, reading, anything besides alcohol. It's fine though, I'm not relying on it to constantly escape reality...Hell I actually like putting myself through all this distress. As much as it hurts, in that very moment where I've completely fall for a girl is what I thrive on. One of those makes up for the years of depression that I put myself through.

Sad isn't it? It's been a repeat cycle for awhile now, since '08 I believe. I'm a sucker for this kind of shit though, and no matter what happens... I won't stop chasing it until I have it again.

Is it weird that I don't fear death? The other day at a kickback, I wasn't myself. Focused on the movie they put on, I only knew about two people that were there. My ex's sister walks into the room with her boyfriend, and I could feel the tension in the room. As I look around to see some reactions, I feel paranoid. Heart racing, I could just imagine them putting me down. Punching me and slamming my head into the cold pavement. Slowly my vision blurring, the motion of my head being beaten in. I slowly saw myself floating over my bloody unconscious body, left for dead in the middle of the parking lot. I slowly snapped back from my wild imagination back to the movie. Did a quick head check and resumed the kickback. It was all one of those "shrug" moments for me. It could have been real, I could have been killed and that would of been the end of my story, but it wasn't. I'm back into reality and I'm here.

Weird shit. I must be going through one of those days months, It'll get better, as it always does for the moment. It's really on me to try and keep my moral high as the days go by.

3 days...

'til Vegas...

...I don't know what to do with myself before then...

Hurry up Friday, I've been coop'd up in Concord for too long...

And just like that...

You know that roller coaster feeling you get when you think that things couldn't get any better, something miraculous happens that makes your week? Or better yet, when you're going into a low so deep, something comes up to kick you while your down.

Either or, I'm sure everybody has had those moments. Oddly enough, only the good memories stick in your mind...Always there for you to think back to when things get bad, or when you're feeling down.

I feel like sometimes I blind myself with these images. No matter how bad the situation is, I play these moments to hide away the reality of things.

Heh, but isn't that the point of being optimistic? Maybe I should be realistic about life instead of trying to live it without being negative. I can't always make a joke out of every bad situation I come across. That's just...Tasteless.

Maybe... Just maybe, it'd be good to show my vulnerable side to the public. Nothing bad can come from that now can it? I can still joke around about everything, but when I'm having an off day, I'll start spilling my guts out instead of putting on a smile, followed by the usual "I'm okay/good/alright" line.

Now, I've been reading through my posts, and it seems like 2011 is a Year of depressing for poor ol' Scott. I'll try and start posting some positive mushy crap and updates in my life to not make this blog sound like a suicide note.

A few friends and I are looking into renting an apartment. I'm very excited for this and if this goes through, I can finally take a step forward into life...Which loosely translates into a 24/7 hookah party. I'll try and keep everything updated though, fingers crossed that it happens! Also, heading out to Vegas in 6 days with the crew (rolling 8-9 deep.) Oh man, this may be a bad idea, but if I make it back alive it would mean I had gotten a liver transplant :P. Let's just say, I don't plan on being sober for 3 days. That'll give my mind something to do, rather then over think every situation i'm presented with.

Now, Q&A time!

What do you want in your life Mr. Train Man?

>> I would like to help.

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/24/11

To answer your question, I want to find a companion. I've always been a "boyfriend" type of guy, and the fact that I'm single really kills me inside. If I wait patiently, I know that the day will come...It has to come.

HOPEFULLY U'LL BE HAPPY SOON ENOUGH. U SEEM LIKE A GREAT GUY TO BE THIS DEPRESSED. JUST KEEP THOSE THAT MATTER AND THOSE THAT KEEP U GROUNDED IN YUR LIFE. BEST OF LUCK TO U!!!!!!!!!!!

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/27/11

Thank you :] It really makes me happy to hear back from my readers!

I know it seems like I'm depressed all the time, but I only come here just to blog when I've got too many things on my mind. I'll try to put some non-depressing stuff up!

Keep em' coming! I'll try my best to answer your questions and comments as soon as possible!

Desperation behind the stone wall...

I made this blog mainly because I wouldn't want to expose my true feelings to the world. I never liked feeling anything but content or happy when I'm in the public, because I hate the attention. That fake sympathetic feeling that others give you that make them think it helps, when really it doesn't. I've been doing this since middle school, and I find it working okay with me, nobody hassling you about whats wrong, no hostile feelings. I guess because I've been like this for awhile, it has desensitized me. Regardless of how i'm feeling, I've learned to put a mask on...Smile or resort to humor to mask and divert myself from showing my true emotion. Thus the reason why I blog, to vent out my emotions and feelings.

It's weird though, because I've adjusted into this kind of style... I have built a large amount of pride. As much as I'm hurt, or in need of some emotional support, I'll never show my vulnerable side. I've even gone so far as to keep my own family out of my personal and emotional life.

Its pretty funny though, I'm pretty much immune from being emotional when I should be, which is pretty bad.

Today, I was told that even though I've got this well built mask to cover my depression, my eyes turn red when I say all of this emotional stuff. I guess this is the only way to tell if I've got something bothering me, or need help emotionally.

I don't really cry during depressing moments, but because I don't cry I ultimately feel like shit because of how depressed I am. Bottle'd up emotions are no bueno. There has been one instance where I actually cried during a movie, and I think it's because I could relate to the main character, and can see his struggles and situation through personal experiences. The movie was called Densha otoko (Train man), A Japanese movie about an anime otoku(super nerd) who wants to change his life and find love. He asks for help on an internet chatroom where they give him advice to change his life. A modern day beauty and the beast story.

I was once in his shoes, and throughout the movie you can still see him struggle even though he's got all the advice from others. It really shows that even though you've got all this help, it's still on you to "level" yourself up and step up to the plate. Needless to say, it really touched my heart to see what I've gone through myself. This was about 4 years ago, and I havn't shed A tear since.

I had just watched My sassy girl, a Korean drama/comedy that has really touched my heart. In A way, I can relate to the main characters because I'm sort of going through the same situation. I cried my eyes out during this movie. I couldn't help but to relate and put myself in his shoes. The way some Korean movies go, they really emphasize on the problems, with minor climax and resolves, with a either depressing terrible ending, or a super happy love story type ending. Even though this movie had a good ending, the climb it took to get to the ending really killed me. Will I be like this? How will I be able to cope with this, he must be really strong to have endured it.

I couldn't believe that I cried, this would be the first time I've actually cried in 4 years. The last last time I had cried was in elementary school when I was 8.

My eyes are red now, either because I'm madly depressed at this outcome that I've been building myself onto for these past few months...Or because it is now 6:38am. Either or, I'm in a pretty shitty mood right now, and I can only hope for a good Friday.