As happy as I can be, This is how its been now.

It's been a few weeks now, and I can understand now what people have been telling me. All I can think about is music, and the good times it brings. No longer am I thinking about women, or if I can find someone on my level that will stick with me.
Someone once said " You don't need to find someone to feel complete. You are yourself, and however you feel has nothing to do with anybody else."
It's true, I don't worry about if this girl likes me, or how bad I want to have a girlfriend. All that shit will come to me eventually. It'll be love in the most purest of ways once it happens, so why rush things? When things are rushed, doesn't the product turn out to be half assed anyway?
So this is what it truly means to be single huh? Party all the time, and enjoy yourself and the company of others. I'm starting to like this idea. I can't afford to have anybody pull me down anymore, but that goes for me as well. I shouldn't expect so much out of the little things like I always would.
This is pretty fun, lets see how far I can go huh?

"But its okay, I've got no regrets."

And like that, I can easily say I've had the best time of my life.

Nocturnal was amazing, I met a ton of new people and danced my ass off (Which is rare.)
Although I ran into a few bumps Friday, my newly made friends gave me "assistance." Needless to say, I will cherish this moment all of my life.
I've always wanted to go to raves, but was always scared. Aids pricking, drug overdose, etc.
Its funny how easily you can disregard things when you start caring less about things, but because of it, I have a new insight on life. Rather then feeling so down all the time, just be happy. Happiness is key, regardless of the situation. Tough luck; that's life. Move on with it and give yourself something else to feel happy about.

It is now Sunday, 4:56am. Nocturnal has come and gone, but will forever be in my heart. This has opened up my eyes, and I can now see clearly. Disregard all thoughts and assumptions that you and others have against yourself, life is more easygoing that way.

Can't wait for the next one :)

Escape me. This is going to be life changing...

The last few weeks have been life changing for me. I've gain a totally different outlook on life and my god, its been amazing.

In about 4 hours, I'll be taking a road trip down to San Bernadino where I will be taking part in Nocturnal Wonderland, a massive two-day rave. This will be the life changing experience that I have been waiting for.

Seven hours alone with my hookah, music, and myself.

I'll keep updated tonight after the event. 

Talk about a breath of fresh air huh?

Blast from the past, which was apparently 2 years ago...

"Does she know that I'm thinking of her all the time"

• Aug. 10th, 2009 at 1:35 AM

"it's not the fear of the stream that I can't cross
its the thought of what I would say
beause my main problem is I can't (is I can't) is I can't make conversation"

This pretty much explains it. The hardest part is to connect with someone, and when its possible... Can I put it in my own words to get that mutual feeling? I don't think its ever possible, and 90% of the time I find myself walking into the darkness, either hoping for a light to shine my way, or I stumble and fall. I guess I need to endure this darkness until I'm guided, because I'm not ready to fall yet. Not now.

Anyway, highlights from the last update.

Timmy is crashing here for the week, Its refreshing to have somebody new to hang around.

More hours, I can't stress enough about how much I Love the new store, friendly customers and a warm welcoming.

Classes starting soon, It'll be refreshing how this year will go.

New phone! Blackberry bold! aand so far, I'M LOVING IT! I haven't even used the blackberry to it's full potential and yet i'm still in love with this!

Thanks again for everybody who attended the BBQ yesterday, it really was a highlight of the summer. Nothing like a good BBQ with the indoor pool and hookah to set things off, and karaoke to boot!

New friends, and new experiences. This helps me evolve and learn about myself. Fads are fads, but the ones important enough will leave impressions either helping you learn from them or shaping yourself.

So pretty much, Life's good. 'Nuff said.

Now if only I could get my relationship skills up to par with my personality. Then life will be easy again.

Hi I'm Scott, and its a pleasure to meet you :D

Its quite funny, 2 years ago I found myself in such situations where I could only live life and see where life would take me.

..Things have not changed much, but i'm content with my life.

Lets just say that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and as much as it hurts to walk on glass, I've built up enough tolerance to endure the very steps I take.

Bring it on life...I'm ready for you.

Part time Alcoholic, full time lost cause.

At first, drinking would be a social tool for me. I learned that with alcohol, I was able to express myself freely... No restrictions to hold any emotions back, no worries on my mind. Just carefree Scott, with nothing holding me back.

Haha, that's what alcohol does for me, only until I begin to lose sight of things. I'm sure that I use alcohol as a way to escape. I mean, that's what alcoholics do right? Nobody wants to live in this harsh reality called life. Shit, I'm sure I could have found another form of escapism. Movies, music, video games, poetry, reading, anything besides alcohol. It's fine though, I'm not relying on it to constantly escape reality...Hell I actually like putting myself through all this distress. As much as it hurts, in that very moment where I've completely fall for a girl is what I thrive on. One of those makes up for the years of depression that I put myself through.

Sad isn't it? It's been a repeat cycle for awhile now, since '08 I believe. I'm a sucker for this kind of shit though, and no matter what happens... I won't stop chasing it until I have it again.

Is it weird that I don't fear death? The other day at a kickback, I wasn't myself. Focused on the movie they put on, I only knew about two people that were there. My ex's sister walks into the room with her boyfriend, and I could feel the tension in the room. As I look around to see some reactions, I feel paranoid. Heart racing, I could just imagine them putting me down. Punching me and slamming my head into the cold pavement. Slowly my vision blurring, the motion of my head being beaten in. I slowly saw myself floating over my bloody unconscious body, left for dead in the middle of the parking lot. I slowly snapped back from my wild imagination back to the movie. Did a quick head check and resumed the kickback. It was all one of those "shrug" moments for me. It could have been real, I could have been killed and that would of been the end of my story, but it wasn't. I'm back into reality and I'm here.

Weird shit. I must be going through one of those days months, It'll get better, as it always does for the moment. It's really on me to try and keep my moral high as the days go by.

3 days...

'til Vegas...

...I don't know what to do with myself before then...

Hurry up Friday, I've been coop'd up in Concord for too long...

And just like that...

You know that roller coaster feeling you get when you think that things couldn't get any better, something miraculous happens that makes your week? Or better yet, when you're going into a low so deep, something comes up to kick you while your down.

Either or, I'm sure everybody has had those moments. Oddly enough, only the good memories stick in your mind...Always there for you to think back to when things get bad, or when you're feeling down.

I feel like sometimes I blind myself with these images. No matter how bad the situation is, I play these moments to hide away the reality of things.

Heh, but isn't that the point of being optimistic? Maybe I should be realistic about life instead of trying to live it without being negative. I can't always make a joke out of every bad situation I come across. That's just...Tasteless.

Maybe... Just maybe, it'd be good to show my vulnerable side to the public. Nothing bad can come from that now can it? I can still joke around about everything, but when I'm having an off day, I'll start spilling my guts out instead of putting on a smile, followed by the usual "I'm okay/good/alright" line.

Now, I've been reading through my posts, and it seems like 2011 is a Year of depressing for poor ol' Scott. I'll try and start posting some positive mushy crap and updates in my life to not make this blog sound like a suicide note.

A few friends and I are looking into renting an apartment. I'm very excited for this and if this goes through, I can finally take a step forward into life...Which loosely translates into a 24/7 hookah party. I'll try and keep everything updated though, fingers crossed that it happens! Also, heading out to Vegas in 6 days with the crew (rolling 8-9 deep.) Oh man, this may be a bad idea, but if I make it back alive it would mean I had gotten a liver transplant :P. Let's just say, I don't plan on being sober for 3 days. That'll give my mind something to do, rather then over think every situation i'm presented with.

Now, Q&A time!

What do you want in your life Mr. Train Man?

>> I would like to help.

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/24/11

To answer your question, I want to find a companion. I've always been a "boyfriend" type of guy, and the fact that I'm single really kills me inside. If I wait patiently, I know that the day will come...It has to come.

HOPEFULLY U'LL BE HAPPY SOON ENOUGH. U SEEM LIKE A GREAT GUY TO BE THIS DEPRESSED. JUST KEEP THOSE THAT MATTER AND THOSE THAT KEEP U GROUNDED IN YUR LIFE. BEST OF LUCK TO U!!!!!!!!!!!

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/27/11

Thank you :] It really makes me happy to hear back from my readers!

I know it seems like I'm depressed all the time, but I only come here just to blog when I've got too many things on my mind. I'll try to put some non-depressing stuff up!

Keep em' coming! I'll try my best to answer your questions and comments as soon as possible!