And just like that...

You know that roller coaster feeling you get when you think that things couldn't get any better, something miraculous happens that makes your week? Or better yet, when you're going into a low so deep, something comes up to kick you while your down.

Either or, I'm sure everybody has had those moments. Oddly enough, only the good memories stick in your mind...Always there for you to think back to when things get bad, or when you're feeling down.

I feel like sometimes I blind myself with these images. No matter how bad the situation is, I play these moments to hide away the reality of things.

Heh, but isn't that the point of being optimistic? Maybe I should be realistic about life instead of trying to live it without being negative. I can't always make a joke out of every bad situation I come across. That's just...Tasteless.

Maybe... Just maybe, it'd be good to show my vulnerable side to the public. Nothing bad can come from that now can it? I can still joke around about everything, but when I'm having an off day, I'll start spilling my guts out instead of putting on a smile, followed by the usual "I'm okay/good/alright" line.

Now, I've been reading through my posts, and it seems like 2011 is a Year of depressing for poor ol' Scott. I'll try and start posting some positive mushy crap and updates in my life to not make this blog sound like a suicide note.

A few friends and I are looking into renting an apartment. I'm very excited for this and if this goes through, I can finally take a step forward into life...Which loosely translates into a 24/7 hookah party. I'll try and keep everything updated though, fingers crossed that it happens! Also, heading out to Vegas in 6 days with the crew (rolling 8-9 deep.) Oh man, this may be a bad idea, but if I make it back alive it would mean I had gotten a liver transplant :P. Let's just say, I don't plan on being sober for 3 days. That'll give my mind something to do, rather then over think every situation i'm presented with.

Now, Q&A time!

What do you want in your life Mr. Train Man?

>> I would like to help.

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/24/11

To answer your question, I want to find a companion. I've always been a "boyfriend" type of guy, and the fact that I'm single really kills me inside. If I wait patiently, I know that the day will come...It has to come.

HOPEFULLY U'LL BE HAPPY SOON ENOUGH. U SEEM LIKE A GREAT GUY TO BE THIS DEPRESSED. JUST KEEP THOSE THAT MATTER AND THOSE THAT KEEP U GROUNDED IN YUR LIFE. BEST OF LUCK TO U!!!!!!!!!!!

By Anonymous on Desperation behind the stone wall... on 7/27/11

Thank you :] It really makes me happy to hear back from my readers!

I know it seems like I'm depressed all the time, but I only come here just to blog when I've got too many things on my mind. I'll try to put some non-depressing stuff up!

Keep em' coming! I'll try my best to answer your questions and comments as soon as possible!

Desperation behind the stone wall...

I made this blog mainly because I wouldn't want to expose my true feelings to the world. I never liked feeling anything but content or happy when I'm in the public, because I hate the attention. That fake sympathetic feeling that others give you that make them think it helps, when really it doesn't. I've been doing this since middle school, and I find it working okay with me, nobody hassling you about whats wrong, no hostile feelings. I guess because I've been like this for awhile, it has desensitized me. Regardless of how i'm feeling, I've learned to put a mask on...Smile or resort to humor to mask and divert myself from showing my true emotion. Thus the reason why I blog, to vent out my emotions and feelings.

It's weird though, because I've adjusted into this kind of style... I have built a large amount of pride. As much as I'm hurt, or in need of some emotional support, I'll never show my vulnerable side. I've even gone so far as to keep my own family out of my personal and emotional life.

Its pretty funny though, I'm pretty much immune from being emotional when I should be, which is pretty bad.

Today, I was told that even though I've got this well built mask to cover my depression, my eyes turn red when I say all of this emotional stuff. I guess this is the only way to tell if I've got something bothering me, or need help emotionally.

I don't really cry during depressing moments, but because I don't cry I ultimately feel like shit because of how depressed I am. Bottle'd up emotions are no bueno. There has been one instance where I actually cried during a movie, and I think it's because I could relate to the main character, and can see his struggles and situation through personal experiences. The movie was called Densha otoko (Train man), A Japanese movie about an anime otoku(super nerd) who wants to change his life and find love. He asks for help on an internet chatroom where they give him advice to change his life. A modern day beauty and the beast story.

I was once in his shoes, and throughout the movie you can still see him struggle even though he's got all the advice from others. It really shows that even though you've got all this help, it's still on you to "level" yourself up and step up to the plate. Needless to say, it really touched my heart to see what I've gone through myself. This was about 4 years ago, and I havn't shed A tear since.

I had just watched My sassy girl, a Korean drama/comedy that has really touched my heart. In A way, I can relate to the main characters because I'm sort of going through the same situation. I cried my eyes out during this movie. I couldn't help but to relate and put myself in his shoes. The way some Korean movies go, they really emphasize on the problems, with minor climax and resolves, with a either depressing terrible ending, or a super happy love story type ending. Even though this movie had a good ending, the climb it took to get to the ending really killed me. Will I be like this? How will I be able to cope with this, he must be really strong to have endured it.

I couldn't believe that I cried, this would be the first time I've actually cried in 4 years. The last last time I had cried was in elementary school when I was 8.

My eyes are red now, either because I'm madly depressed at this outcome that I've been building myself onto for these past few months...Or because it is now 6:38am. Either or, I'm in a pretty shitty mood right now, and I can only hope for a good Friday.

Heh...

I'm starting to lose faith in something that I tried to create. So full of hope, yet at the same time so non-existent. This must be what they call despair.

I need to stop doing these sorts of things, because as much as it hurts to keep things the way they are now, the more it'll hurt when I realize that its just a softer way to let me down.

soconfused.

Great white.

*Sigh* Oh Scotty. Scotty, Scotty, Scotty. What are you doing to yourself? This can't be healthy. You need to fix yourself up and do something about it, before you hurt yourself.

Yeah, I know what you may be thinking. If you know me, then you'd know the previous step by step process that I've been going through. But things are different now... Yeah, I'm not going to let things like this go by, if I fall, then I'm going down with a fight. I'm not going to just crumble. No not anymore.

I like how I can say shit like this, and hype myself up over things to "prevent" or "move on," but you and I both know that regardless of what I say, what I do, or how things go down I'm always going to fall face first into the rocks. Yeah I may smile alot, but I'm aware that I could still smile when I'm madly depressed or sad.

I don't know anymore, I mean I've been through some tough shit before so all I can expect is to endure it really. The drop will come regardless of the pace, the only thing you can do is to keep your head high and see where it takes you.

Anyways, I'm trying something new. I opened up comments for my blogs. You can post anonymously so please feel free to criticize, leave me some words of wisdom, or even ask me a question. If there are any questions, I'll try my best to reply in the next blog post.

Sooo, on a side note...

:| How do I endure this? I don't think I've got enough in my heart to handle it.

...ARGH BE OPTIMISTIC SCOTT. THERE IS NO TIME FOR NEGATIVITY.

The classic Jim smirk. :l

Jim's smirk is probably the best cover-up anybody could have for any situation. I'm sure everybody has their thing though, I mean some people shift their eyes, sweat, laugh, or resort to humor. The smirk is completely emotionless. It can be used in the most happiest of moments, as well as in the most depressing times as well.

You see, I wish I could pull off a smirk like that because I on the other hand, tend to smile. Smiling normally works most times, simply because it expresses happiness. The bad thing about this is, I always smile...Even when I shouldn't. Scared, angry, nervous, depressed, stressed, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure why I do this, maybe its because I want to make sure that everybody is content, or happy. Guess its in my nature yea?

Oh, and one more thing.

Haha, drinking in the work place during work. Funny thing isn't it?

As the mind grows, I find myself in the same hole I've always been in.

Hah, so where should I start? With everything going on, I can't help but to fall back into the same hole I've always tried climbing out of. Well, or so I thought?

Monday, June 20th.

I decided that this should be a day where I cut myself off of all means of communication. No facebook, no internet, and most importantly no phone. Just A day for Me, myself, and I. No friends, Nobody to turn to and vent. Just the open road, music, my trusty old car, and the sun.

I drove out to Monteray, only 'cause I've never been there before. All it took was a CD with 13 tracks of trance, and my pack of cigarettes. The ride was really nice, just cruising down south with some loud beats to get my mind off of life.

Well, the term "Life" sounds pretty vague, but to be specific, "life" in loose terms translates to the bay area. The escape alone felt amazing, I had actually spent time thinking over some things about myself. Things like work, friends, situations I always find myself in, and mainly, miscellaneous things that gets my mind all wound up in knots. I mean, I'm pretty much known for going in over my head, and for once when I'd like to think that I'm being smart for a change, I seem to have fallen back into the same pit. The only difference is, the exit is closer then expected. It's not the usual distance where its not reachable, where the hole that I've dug myself is so deep that I can't see the light of day. No, not this time... I'm in arms length, and with enough effort I can get out of this hole. However, for some reason I think I like to be in these "Pits." Naturally I'm a curious person, and for some reason there is something that binds me to stay in these holes that I often find myself in. I'm pretty sure that this is not healthy for my state of mind, but I'm naturally a curious person, and honestly I'd rather wait and see where things take me versus getting myself out of these situations early to avoid what I think the outcome may be.

If its one thing I've learned, its that even if your 100% confident of the outcome, there is that off chance that things will not go the way you thought it would be. Through previous points in my life I thought that I would be okay. That I could wake up in the morning feeling as if nothing has happened, nothing has changed and that everyday would be better then before... But there are so many days that this could happen, and sooner or later you'll find yourself in A world of hurt.

I've always endured these moments. There has been many high points in my life, where I honestly thought I couldn't be happier then I was, but there were also moments where I had reached an all time low. A low so far down, I felt as if I was dead to everybody, I didn't even exist in this world, and nobody gave any care in the world to help pick me back up to my feet. It was because of these moments I was able to learn and shape myself to who I've become now. Through blogging, finding great friends and company, they were able to help me pick myself off the ground, and get me back into this cycle in this so called life.

Even if this road has bumps and missing pavement, I will continue walking down this road.I mean, sure I can't really see the end but that doesn't really matter for me. I'm looking for the toughest road to help build who I am now. That way I know that I wasn't A wimp in my life, that I fought for what I believed in, and fought for where I am at now.

All in all though, its been a great week. Especially with that day to myself, I was able to keep myself optimistic. I'll admit that I've been finding myself in a very pessimistic mood lately, but I was able to change things before it got out of hand.

You know what they say, keep making faces and your face will be stuck that way... So why not smile all the time? Smile>grumpy negative face, because even when you look happy, it sets the mood for everybody else's day. All it takes is one smile, but one sad face makes you a Debbie downer! >:(

June 20th... What the hell?

It's already June 20th, and the 4th of July is around the corner. How did time pass by this quickly? I guess I'm enjoying the hookah lounge so much that I don't even realize how much time I've spent.

Although... not everything has been all fine and dandy for the past 6 months. I've hit enough rough patches thus far to make a hole in my wall, but its nothing too big to stress over about. Well for now that is, but you know what? When things get shaky, all you've got to do is to look at the brighter side of things. Just always know that you've given it your all, and there shouldn't be remorse for your actions. Don't think of it as failure, but think of it as another chance to try harder.

Heh, Someone once a few years back that I'm pessimistic. I honestly thought for the worst whenever things would happen. It was then that I realized, "You know what, I need to change myself if I want to go anywhere. All I see in the mirror is a mess. A guy that's scared to initiate conversation with anybody, a nobody that disassociates himself because he thinks too lowly of himself. This shouldn't be me, I should be something better." I guess it was then when I changed my attitude. I learned to look at things with an optimistic point of view, to start off my "Operation:SC (Self-confidence)" Shortly afterwards I started to see my life slowly change, from being all alone and negative, to somewhere in the positive zone. Where I would think that people would instantly judge me, I can now just walk up to them and give them something to judge. I'm obviously nowhere complete with this little operation of mine, but what I can say is that I'm making progress, and though there's still much more I would like, the rest will take time, and the right timing. It has been a rough start for me, but baby, things are just getting started!

Today, Monday June 20th. I'm going M.I.A for a day, meaning No phone, No internet, No Scott.

All I've got is the road, and whatever the price of gas is right now :[

I'm mainly taking this day to recollect my thoughts, my views, and also to think about some of the things I've done wrong this past year. I'll get some alone time to find my inner self, and hopefully shed off some of this bad mojo that's gotten me into some deep shit. Shit so deep, Its got me pretty stressed these past few weeks.

Wish me luck internet, I'll see you on Tuesday!